1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left
arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and
thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply
pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm
holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open
and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold
mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees,
hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from
foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from hearth and
set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat
with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end
of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow
down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans,
drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to
spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold
water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave
head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick
pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on
hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across
the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence
while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine
and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty
pruning gloves from shed, pry cat's mouth open with small
spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of
filet steak. Hold head vertically and pour pint of water
down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and
removes pill remnants from right eye. Call at furniture
shop on way home to order new table.
15) Check into getting a HAMSTER!!!!
Anonymous
Sent to me by Scott Fobes, One of my Favorite
People. LOVE YA, SCOTT
