Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[imagine that!]

********

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no,really?]

********

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

********

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

********

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

********

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[Those no-good-for-nothin' lazy so-and-sos!] ********



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

********

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

********

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[you think?!]

********

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

********

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[they may be on to something!]

********

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

********

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

********

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[weren't they fat enough?!]

********

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That what he gets for eating those beans!]

********

Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
[That was really giving of himself!]

********

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

********

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

********

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[nuff said!]

********